As the spine and spinal cord – the central nervous system – becomes free of holding on to frozen tension patterns through NSA chiropractic care, the unresolved effects of stress and trauma cease to have a gripping effect – so the person is no longer compelled to react like a “puppet on a string” during such encounters.
Nonetheless, there are a few helpful guidelines for working through difficulties in personal relationships, along the lines of what’s recommended by some coaches and therapists.
Tips for “clearing the air”
1) Take a few moments of honest reflection to be clear on what really got underneath your skin. Does it have to do with something that seems to occur repeatedly in your life? Something you keep blaming the other person for? Or not owning up to? Or maybe it’s simply what you feel compelled to hide or something about your own behavior that’s bothering you. Once you ‘clear the air’, the energy used to hide whatever is owning you will become a transforming, liberating experience.
Whether it’s your behavior, that of the other person, or both, a repetitive pattern requires the same innermost reactions, the same reactions which will attract the same characteristic events to occur over and over again.
Pay attention to where you feel the most tension in your body as you reflect upon this. The more you’re in the habit of sensing where the tension is in your body the better, as that will keep you grounded to your senses while communicating. The somato-respiratory integration exercises are perfect for this, especially stages one through four.
It may not be what someone said or did that gets under your skin. Sometimes it can be the mannerisms, the tone of voice used, or just a look on someone’s face.
Whatever it is that’s triggering your reaction, or the same familiar story showing up in your life, your life story will not change until something new and refreshing can be discovered. It’s always good to find something inside to inquire of that’s not so easy for you to have a quick and ready-made answer for, something to honestly wonder about. Same questions, same answers, will yield nothing new.
2) It’s time to ‘clear the air’ with the other person. You must be honest, allowing your mannerisms, tone of voice, and words to be completely authentic, genuine, and candid with what’s going on inside of you. With regards to what you remember seeing, hearing, physically feeling if there was touch involved, even smelling if that happens to be the case,… any of the five senses involved in the event that triggered your reaction. Steer clear, at this point in the conversation, of anything that has to do with interpretation of the other person’s behavior.
Only after you have clearly stated what you remember observing, making it clear that it’s only what you remember observing, as oftentimes it won’t be how the other person remembers the same event, or even if they remember, do you own up to what you made it mean. Stating your interpretation of the event or events must then be stated as just that. “This is what I made it mean.”.
A more complete example of reporting what you observe and then make it mean would be: “Whenever you do this” (or “say this” or “give me that look”), “I take that to mean….” or “That’s the story I go into.” Another example: “Whenever I see this I notice my initial reaction is to fly off the…” Or, “Whenever this happens, I ….” In other words, instead of accusing or attempting to control the other person, you’re simply reporting your innermost reaction as it is.
Reporting, as in “What I remember you saying” or “What I thought you said was” or “What I remember was that…” is much different and much better than accusing, as in: “You said this”, “You did this”, or “I know you did….”.
Unfortunately, almost all of us in tense situations are in the habit of using phrases in which each person feels hurt and defensive. No worries. Do the best you can. Small improvements through good intentions go a long way. It’s a life practice.
Report your reaction to something only as how you remember it, without insisting that your memory is factual, or implying that a different memory of the same event must therefore be wrong. Nothing more, nothing less. Your focus is to reveal without manipulating. “What I remember is…and what I took it to mean was….”
Emotions are there to move both of you. Allow whatever emotions arise during the conversation to naturally dictate your tone of voice and mannerisms. If it’s anger that comes up, let it be expressed. You can even say something like “I resent you for that look you gave me!” Note that you’re still revealing and being truthful to what’s going on inside of you. That would not be the case if you said something like this, “If you ever give me that look again….”
Speak your truth with the objective of revealing yourself, not with the goal of winning an argument.
It’s time to let your guard down for whatever is keeping a story you have frozen in time, regardless of how accurate your story may or may not be.
3) After carrying out steps one and two, if you feel that there is the need; Make the request, or ask of what you would like to see addressed. Maybe there’s a question you would like the other person to consider answering, perhaps to further your own understanding. Or perhaps you feel a request on your part is in order. For situations that are not to be tolerated, your request may need to be in the form of making it known that you will stand your ground as needed – that a certain boundary is not to be crossed.
However, in the situations in which you want to be open to the possibility of a greater, mutual understanding, if any request or inquiry is in order it must be made with the heartfelt intention that both of you have a valuable relationship, and that both of you are capable of growing personally stronger through the intimacy required in being honest with each other. You can even state this intention to introduce the conversation outlined here, so that both of you will be on board for hearing each other out. Without this intention on your part, your request or question is going to sound like a demand, re-igniting the same, familiar confrontations that have strangled the relationship.
If these guidelines sound beyond your reach for following with regards to a relationship you’re currently finding most troubling, or if you would simply like to gain some practice in being true to who you are while relating to other people, you may want to explore coaches whom I believe passionately advance these principles in their training.
Sources that I know of:
This man, as his very helpful website demonstrates, must surely be a great coach.
That’s how I happen to know about him.
With much appreciation & gratitude to Clara Griffin, Raven Dana, and Brad Blanton. I know, a sledgehammer was needed from time to time for getting Dr. Steve out of his head.
not to mention her sister, Sue Ann Lewine – two NSA chiropractor colleagues of mine who were also instrumental in my life.
As far as I can tell, Tony Robbins’ passion must surely be the biggest powerhouse I know of for arousing the passion in others – the passion of knowing who you are, what you’re all about, and living your life as a vitalizing expression of your heartfelt conviction.’
Dr. Gardner was one of the first 100 chiropractors to be fully certified in Network Spinal Care. He also successfully completed the first course in becoming certified as a practitioner of Network Care’s home instruction practice – Somato Respiratory Integration